


All Right Means I'm Not Fine At All

by mydeira



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-26
Updated: 2012-10-26
Packaged: 2017-11-17 02:12:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/546490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mydeira/pseuds/mydeira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Donna's all right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All Right Means I'm Not Fine At All

**Author's Note:**

> Post-"Journey's End".

Donna was losing her mind. At first she thought everyone else had gone round the bend, going on about strange planets in the sky and killer pepper pots rolling through the streets. And if people were gathered long enough, they’d invariably move on to deadly cars and walking fat, how London really wasn’t the place to be during Christmas anymore…

“It’s like I went to sleep one night and woke up to a world gone completely mad,” she complained to her mum one morning.

“Oh, you know how people get, dear. They’ll be over it soon enough.”

It wasn’t like her to be so dismissive. Usually she’d be calling them all nutters before starting in on Donna’s utter lack of direction in life. But not these days, no, her mum was almost supportive. Almost in that she’d stopped harping on about Donna finding her own place, finding a man, finding a permanent job…

When Donna confronted her about it, Mum said, “We all need time to find ourselves. You do what you need to.”

It was bloody weird.

And then there was Gramps. She hadn’t seen him look so sad since Gran passed. Even after all they’d been through with Dad’s illness, he’d been the one to keep them all from going under. Nothing she tried seemed to help. Hell, when she tried, he seemed to get even sadder. Gramps had always been her rock.

A couple months on, everything started to settle into some sense of normalcy, though Mum kept being almost nice and Gramps sad. Not for the first time in her life, Donna felt that she’d missed out on something big, but that, too, faded. Mostly.

Then the dreams started. Lance selling her out to a giant spider woman thing, singing squid, and Agatha Christie. Planets of snow, of diamonds, Pompeii in flames. And through it all, a long streak of nothing by her side, with crazy hair and wild eyes. It was strange and wonderful and frightening and bloody fantastic. And when she woke up, they didn’t fade like her dreams usually did. They lingered.

She started reading sci-fi. Sci-fi! She even enjoyed it. Mostly. When the authors didn’t get the details too wrong. But how could they get any of it wrong? It was all made up, wasn’t it?

But even that wasn’t enough after awhile. Donna picked up books on astrophysics and mechanics, of all things. She had this need to know how things worked, how the universe worked. And, God, was it dull. At first. The books put her to sleep more often than not, which wasn’t so bad as she was sleeping less and less these days. But she kept on, driven by a sense of urgency, a need to understand. Until one day…

“What in the hell are you doing? And at this hour!” For the first time in months Mum sounded like Mum.

Donna shrugged and turned back to the toaster she’d disassembled. “Couldn’t sleep.”

“So you decided to destroy the toaster? Couldn’t you do something useful, like the laundry or washing up?”

“I didn’t want to disturb you and Gramps.” Donna nodded toward the kettle. “Tea should still be warm if you want some.”

Her mum stood there, indecisive, then headed over to the counter. After pouring herself a cup, she returned to the table and sat across from Donna. “The toaster, Donna? What on earth possessed you?”

“Dunno.” She plucked out a coiled bit with her tweezers and considered it a moment before setting it aside. “Figured I’d start small and work my way up. And don’t worry, it’ll be good as new in the morning. Well, better than that, I hope.”

“There was nothing wrong with it.”

“Sure there was. Didn’t heat evenly.”

“And you’re going to fix that.”

“It won’t hurt to try.”

“We’ll see in the morning when we can’t have toast.” Her mum finished off her tea, and stood. Another moment of hesitation, then she bent over and kissed Donna’s forehead. “Try and get some rest, sweetheart. You’ve got work tomorrow.”

Donna smiled. “That’s what coffee’s for.”

A couple hours later, just as the sun was peeking over the horizon, Donna had the toaster reassembled, plugged in, and was waiting on her toast. Five seconds later, it finished and the pieces popped out, flying at the perfect trajectory to land smack dab in the middle of the plate on the counter top. And each piece was a perfect golden brown. She couldn’t wait for Mum and Gramps to give it a go.

***

It took Donna a little over a week to get the washing machine just right. Mum wasn’t thrilled about hauling clothes elsewhere to wash but kept her complaints to a minimum. And Gramps started looking a little less sad.

“Got some grease on your nose,” he pointed out as he handed her a cup of tea Saturday afternoon.

She scrubbed at her nose and smiled at him. Chest deep in machine innards all day, she probably had grease everywhere, but it was the thought that counted.

“So what are you aiming to do here?”

Setting aside her spanner, Donna picked up her cup. “Bit more complicated than the toaster.” She sipped. “But if I’ve figured right, we should be able to get the clothes just as clean with half the water in a third of the time. If I could get my hands on a Predoxan bivalve infinity circuit, I could get the water use down to a third as well. Unfortunately, you can only get those on Morta Eight these days.”

Her gramps turned white as a sheet and Donna was by his side in an instant.

“What’s wrong? Are you all right?”

“I’m fine, sweetheart.” His smile was forced as she squeezed her hand reassuringly. “Haven’t eaten much today, that’s all.”

“Are you sure? Maybe we should get you into the doctor, just to see.”

His eyes went wide for a second, then he shook his head. “No doctors. Don’t go fussing yourself about me. I’ll just go make myself some of that fabulous toast and be right as rain.”

Gramps seemed to be all right after that, but the sad look seemed to be back stronger than ever. Donna decided her next project was going to be for him. Gramps loved the stars so much, so she was going to give him a better way to see him. His trusty telescope was all well and good, but it did have its limitations. Monday, on her lunch hour, she’d start hitting the shops. Shouldn’t take her more than a month or two, tops. And it’d be the perfect gift for his birthday.

***

Gramps’ new telescope proved a bit more of a challenge than Donna had first thought, but she managed in the end. Though she’d have given her right arm to get a quadruple concave chrono prism. Still, quartz was a fair enough substitute. Diamond would have been better, but temping only paid so well, and she doubted Mum would let her take out a mortgage just to give Gramps the perfect gift.

That night, she tagged along on Gramps’ nightly jaunt up the hill.

“Been awhile since you joined me up here.”

“Been busy, haven’t I?” And the fact was, looking at the stars too much made her sad for some reason she couldn’t pinpoint.

“Lord, have you ever. Suppose you’ll be tackling the car next, eh?” He nudged her.

Now that the telescope was done, she had planned on moving onto the fridge next. But the car would be fun.

“Oh, no, I’ve given you ideas, haven’t I? Just don’t tell your mother.”

“I promise to take all the blame.” She kissed his cheek.

Gramps stopped walking. “That’s not my telescope.”

It was identical in make, model, and color. But Gramps had always been sharp. “Don’t worry, I’ve got the old girl stowed safely in the shed.”

“But there was nothing wrong with it.”

“No, there wasn’t. But I thought I’d make you a better one.”

“A better one?” He approached it carefully, like it was a rabid dog.

“Go on, give it a look.”

Gramps did, hesitantly. “Sharper than it was, can’t complain there.” But he didn’t sound impressed. Well, he didn’t know it wasn’t just any telescope, did he?

Donna reached around the side and twisted a dial. “How’s that?”

“Holy…” He let out a low whistle. “Are those Martian rocks?”

“Martian dust.”

“How on earth did you…”

Donna grinned. “It gets better.” A couple more twists. “Now look.”

He looked and didn’t say a word. A few minutes passed and he still kept looking. Finally, “What is that?”

“That is a small little planet on one of the furthest edges of the known universe. It’s inhabited by sentient shrimp.”

Now Gramps was looking at her, but not like she was daft. It was more shell-shock with a touch of fear. “You know that for a fact, don’t you?” His voice held a faint note of awe, but mostly worry.

“It’s weird, but yeah, I do. Can’t quite explain why, but it’s there.” She frowned up at the sky. “Thought maybe I’d picked it out of one of those books I was reading, but we haven’t explored that far. And what writer would make up a planet of sentient shrimp? The book wouldn’t sell.” Running her fingers along the cold metal casing of the telescope, she sighed. “And none of that explains why I have to tear things apart and rebuild them better. I just know I’m happier when I’m doing those things. Then there’s my dreams…thought I was losing my mind along with everyone else.”

“He said you weren’t supposed to remember,” Gramps muttered.

“Who said? And what?”

He looked at her startled. “Nothing, never you mind.”

No, it wasn’t nothing. And that not nothing had been going on for too many months. “What aren’t you telling me, Gramps?” Donna knew he was hiding something, just like she knew about the shrimp planet and how to build a telescope that put the Hubble to shame by light years.

Gramps sat heavily in his chair. “I can’t, darling. If I tell you, you’ll remember. And if you remember, it’ll kill you.”

“How can a memory kill me?” That just didn’t make sense, yet it struck a chord. That little itch in the back of her mind that only stopped when she was reading or tinkering or dreaming. “That man in the brown suit who was visiting you and Mum months ago. Who was he?”

“No one. Just someone passing through.”

“You’re lying.” Gramps never lied to her. “Why would you lie to me?”

“It’s for your own good, Donna.”

“For my own good that the whole world seems to know things that I don’t? I know I can be a bit thick, but how do I miss metal monsters and planets in the sky and all of the other crazy things that people still talk about?” Now she was getting angry. “I’m sick of being the girl who just doesn’t get it. ‘Oh, Donna, bless, she just can’t see beyond her own nose. Poor thing, have another cocktail.’”

“Don’t talk about my granddaughter like that.” Gramps’ anger matched her own. “She’s brilliant with a big heart and has done more than she can ever know.”

“Bullshit,” she spat, ignoring the hurt on her gramps’ face. “Brilliant people don’t still live at home and temp to pay the bills. Brilliant people don’t wake up in the middle of the night. And if the do, they don’t start tearing appliances apart just for something to do. Brilliant people don’t miss the big things!”

“I’m sorry, Donna. I’m so sorry.”

She’d made him cry. On his birthday. What kind of person was she? Something was wrong with her, but it wasn’t Gramps’ fault. He just… “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” The words rolled with an aching familiarity off her tongue. She knew those words. Had heard them so many times. “Doctor. His name is…the Doctor.” It was there, it was all right there, just out of her reach. “The Doctor was always so sorry. So much pain. So many difficult choices.”

Donna stumbled and her gramps caught her, easing her down into his chair.

“We went to a library. The Library. An entire planet to house books. But the shadows were there. Miss Evangelista…she was the first to fall.” Swallowing hard, Donna forged ahead, grasping at every memory that flickered by. “Gorgeous girl, not very bright. And they all made fun of her. Laughed and wouldn’t let her help. All she wanted was a chance. Her last thought was ice cream. Over and over again. Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream…”

“Donna, sweetheart, please stop.”

“No.” She shook him off, tried to stand, and couldn’t. “I have to remember. After the Library we were both all right, but not really. We lost so much that day. And then there was something on my back. Something on my back.” The thought made her stomach turn. “Everything was wrong. So wrong. Mum gave up. People got carted away. England for the English and the stars went out. I had to die, so that I’d turn left and make everything all right.” It was all coming so fast now. Flying by, burning, tearing her apart. But it didn’t hurt now. It had and she remembered begging him to let her stay. “Don’t make me go back. Not after everything. Let me keep this. Please. Don’t make me nobody again. Don’t…don’t…don’t…don’t…”

Gramps shook her, hard. He was talking to her. She couldn’t hear him over the noise, over—Donna stopped the words cold, biting them back, swallowing against the flood.

“You were dying, Donna. He had no choice,” Gramps said soothingly. “It was for the best.”

No. Not her memories. Unmaking her and turning her back into the shiftless nobody shouting at the world. “He was my friend,” she sobbed, grateful when no other words tumbled after.

“He saved you.”

“He killed me.”

“We wouldn’t be having this conversation if he had,” Gramps reassured her.

Donna got unsteadily to her feet. “He didn’t give me a choice. I didn’t want to be saved.”

“Fortunately that’s not always up to us.”

She could remember everything now. Everything. But it wasn’t overwhelming like it had been, hyped up on too much caffeine, trying to do it all, see it all before it slipped away. All she’d needed was time enough for all those thoughts and ideas and who knew what to find a place. Time. Funny how the Time Lord hadn’t understood that. Hell, she might have then if she hadn’t been so panicked about what he was going to do. What he did do.

“Just wait until I see you again, spaceman,” she muttered. Because she would. She still had the TARDIS number, had rung it a time or two in the last few months, curious what it was for. All it did was ring and ring. Which meant she’d have to try something else. She knew a lot of something elses now.

But it could wait. Right now, she had something more important to do. Donna hugged Gramps. Surprised, it took a minute for him to return it.

“I love you, you know,” she said, kissing his cheek. Then she swatted his arm lightly. “And don’t you ever lie to me again.”

Gramps laughed. And Donna realized it was the first time she’d heard him laugh in months.

“How about I show you the tri-colored moon of Brud’a? It should be at its peak right now.”

“Sounds good.” He stepped up to the eyepiece. “So what else does this telescope do now?”

Donna grinned. “Just wait and see, Gramps. Just wait and see.”


End file.
